Top o' the morning to you playaz

Sincerely,

The little man from under the rainbow

Things I say because my mother is white

They said you always become your mother. I said, "I'm going to prove them wrong."

Guess what. I didn't prove them wrong.

Instead, I got stuck saying these phrases that I thought were normal everyday lingo...until I realized they weren't- particularly amongst the majority non white folk that generally surround me. And boy did I feel sheepish.

I present to you white (peach colored) sayings bestowed upon me by my mama:

1. "What's that have to do with the tea in China?"

As much as I would really love this to be a saying, I don't think it is. But since the day I was born, my mother has insisted on using it- and I find it creeping into my everyday conversations all the time. Hey, maybe it'll catch on? Most likely when China replaces the USA as supreme leader of the world.

2. "Gosh darn it. You're such a ham."

This phrase is kind of charged with mixed feelings, since it goes with my first experience with peer pressure.

It was 2nd grade, after an intense game of tether ball. I casually told my friend that my mom thought I was a ham. Definitely thought I was the weirdest person ever. She was muslim, so she also probably thought I was the haram-est person ever.

Needless to say, I can't use it anymore without the slightest twinge of guilt and shame.

3. "He's as gay as a doorknob."

Momz just used that one today, so it's super fresh in my mind. I wasn't previously aware that doorknobs had sexual orientations. Rainbows, maybe. But door apparati? Hmm. Maybe if you put it like that. But still, the less it makes sense, the more likely I'll start saying it. Just because I can. And because my mother is white.

4. "Hey there, Mrs. McGillicuddy!"

At first, I thought this was just some made up name that my mom thought was cute, like "sweet pea" or "bongomuffin." I also thought she was saying "Magilocutty" for the longest time. Turns out, it's an actual thing from I Love Lucy. I just googled it right now. Lucy's middle name was McGillicuddy. So I guess it's pretty legit.

5. "Don't dress like a shlump."

When I was younger, whenever I was too lazy to iron something and wore it anyways, my mom pulled the shlump card. The word apparently goes back to my Yiddish roots, meaning "untidy" or "sloppy." That got old real fast. So now a large majority of my clothes are polyester-- problem solved. AND I get to pull the shlump card whenever it suits me just right. (get it? suits me. hehe.)

So listen up. Moral of the story: don't say things before you Google them. And always listen to your mother.

Oh hot jam.

There's nothing quite like a sweet, sweet melody to set the mood. Whether you're getting over a really bad breakup with Napoleon (the dessert, not the man) or feelin' a little more positive and upbeat and swaggy, some good bebop is all you really need to get jiggy with your inner emoticon.

Here's a couple of my faves (in no particular order):

1. Always Be My Baby- Mariah Carey

Doodoodoo dow...doodoodoodoo dow...the beginning is so good, you would think that the rest of the song would be mediocre in comparison. But it only gets better. MC's smooth vocals make me be like

and grab for a couple of tissues along with some Olay makeup remover for the streaks from that so-called "waterproof mascara." Definitely not Mariah-proof, that's for sure.

2. Forget you- Cee Lo Green

It's one of those songs that is really easy to memorize, and hence very fun to sing/dance along to obnoxiously in the car like

what whaaaaaat. It also lets me live out my fantasy of being the lead vocalist in a band. If I play it loud enough, it masks my voice and I can fool myself into thinking I'm a good singer for a blissful 3 minutes and 44 seconds.

3. The Seed- The Roots

Break it down Bow. Even Mr. Wow can't resist the soulful rock 'n roll that is The Seed.

4. Anything by Maroon 5 or John Mayer

They might not be the most kind or intelligent human beings, but what they do have is indisputable rhythm. If you haven't been like

on a Sunday morning while listening to "Sunday Morning" before grabbing a nonfat chai latte from Starbucks and heading off to Sunday School, you haven't lived.

5. Candy Shop- Fiddy Cent

Gets me every time. I keep telling myself whenever it comes on the radio, "you're not going to dance shereen. don't do it. the lyrics are degrading and immoral."

But the more I fight it, the faster I start swaying and then the snapping starts and it's all downhill from there. All I wanna do is grab a pack of apple Now and Later's and then dance with somebody.

Oh man. Now that I'm listing them out, I realize that I'm in way over my head. There are just too many good songs and so many genres I'm missing here. Por ejemplo, I'm currently jamming to Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons and it's making me want to sit on the railroad tracks of Oakland to watch them play.

So for now, let it suffice to say that those few make just the tip of a massive, unyielding iceberg, untouched by the grip of global warming.

And remember, make music not war. or love. before marriage.

Also, lean back and smell the roses once in a while.

What do you do when you find a cardboard cutout of your sister's face lying around?

oh hi there cardboard cutout sarah. see anything you like in that J.Jill catalog?

does all that browsing makes you cruisin for a snoozin?

try not to eat that delicious cake all at once!

Ah, the simple joys in life.

You know your life is complete

when your blog posts are read as bed time stories to children in Palestine.

If you're reading this, Karimah's cousins, you're awesome!

ooh yea. super awesome.

"Assalamu Alaykum Shereen, we're leaving!"

my father says, as he and my mother step out the door of our humble abode.

"We're going to get some craps for dinner."

Whack state of mind

I'm just going to go ahead and put this out there:

I have crazy on the brain.

It seems like either mothers are dropping their children on their heads at an exponentially higher rate every year, or global warming isn't just affecting the polar bears anymore.

I mean it's affecting humans. If you didn't catch my drift.

Here's what I mean: The ratio of normal to abnormal humans appears to be becoming alarmingly close. Like, being "normal" is no longer "the norm." Yadadada?

But the real loopy ones are the ones you have to beware of-- they have a few too many bats in the belfry, if you know what I mean.

And in this whack state of mind, I feel behooved to make a list of the top 5. It goes like this:

1. Muammar Gaddafi

This man is 100%, internationally, certifiably, insane in the membrane. So insane that Barbara Walters once asked him in an interview "are you insane?" What kind of person massacres his own people? You can't get much crazier than him, even if you tried... and even if you found out who is dealer is.

2. Mike Tyson

Mike Tyson once said, "I am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. There is no one who can match me. I want your heart. I want to eat your children."

He also has a strange obsession with pigeons. I guess a few too many hits to the head can do that to you.

3. My old next door neighbor [not pictured]

We'll just call him Johnny, lest he finds out I've been blogging about him. Anyways, the important thing to know about Johnny is that he was the unibomber of Fremont. Back in the good old days when I lived in Newark, this guy tried to blow up some city hall member's house. He also tried to get us to stash his "goods." Not the most mentally stable patient in the insane asylum, so to speak. And he could be living in the house next to you right now...

jk don't worry I think he's in jail. Pretty sure.

4. Lady Gaga

I mean, I guess she's harmless. But then again, she has this whole, like, cultish following who imitates her and calls her "Mama Monster." So maybe not so harmless? Also, there are children starving in Africa who could have made a full meal of that meat suit. Sooooo she's going down on my list as a crazy person who also needlessly wastes food.

5. Ayaan Hirsi Ali

Ughh I hate this woman so much. She jumped on the Haters of Islam wagon to make some money/fame but then promptly fell off after people found out that she was lying about everything. Someone should have told her that too much haterade doesn't keep you hydrated, it gets you shamed and on this list of deranged dudes.

So those are just the 5 people that came to the top of my head. But believe you me, there are plenty more out there. Some might mark themselves by clipping tails to their pants, and some might disguise themselves as "normies" but are secretly closet crazies. The best way to know if someone is a closet crazy is to do something really weird and see how they react. They will most likely pretend that they're really weirded out so they don't blow their cover. The bigger the reaction, the weirder/crazier they secretly are.

Try it. But I am not liable for any complications that may result from this social experiment. Gadaffi is.

Down with Gadaffi!