Top o' the morning to you playaz

Sincerely,

The little man from under the rainbow

Things I say because my mother is white

They said you always become your mother. I said, "I'm going to prove them wrong."

Guess what. I didn't prove them wrong.

Instead, I got stuck saying these phrases that I thought were normal everyday lingo...until I realized they weren't- particularly amongst the majority non white folk that generally surround me. And boy did I feel sheepish.

I present to you white (peach colored) sayings bestowed upon me by my mama:

1. "What's that have to do with the tea in China?"

As much as I would really love this to be a saying, I don't think it is. But since the day I was born, my mother has insisted on using it- and I find it creeping into my everyday conversations all the time. Hey, maybe it'll catch on? Most likely when China replaces the USA as supreme leader of the world.

2. "Gosh darn it. You're such a ham."

This phrase is kind of charged with mixed feelings, since it goes with my first experience with peer pressure.

It was 2nd grade, after an intense game of tether ball. I casually told my friend that my mom thought I was a ham. Definitely thought I was the weirdest person ever. She was muslim, so she also probably thought I was the haram-est person ever.

Needless to say, I can't use it anymore without the slightest twinge of guilt and shame.

3. "He's as gay as a doorknob."

Momz just used that one today, so it's super fresh in my mind. I wasn't previously aware that doorknobs had sexual orientations. Rainbows, maybe. But door apparati? Hmm. Maybe if you put it like that. But still, the less it makes sense, the more likely I'll start saying it. Just because I can. And because my mother is white.

4. "Hey there, Mrs. McGillicuddy!"

At first, I thought this was just some made up name that my mom thought was cute, like "sweet pea" or "bongomuffin." I also thought she was saying "Magilocutty" for the longest time. Turns out, it's an actual thing from I Love Lucy. I just googled it right now. Lucy's middle name was McGillicuddy. So I guess it's pretty legit.

5. "Don't dress like a shlump."

When I was younger, whenever I was too lazy to iron something and wore it anyways, my mom pulled the shlump card. The word apparently goes back to my Yiddish roots, meaning "untidy" or "sloppy." That got old real fast. So now a large majority of my clothes are polyester-- problem solved. AND I get to pull the shlump card whenever it suits me just right. (get it? suits me. hehe.)

So listen up. Moral of the story: don't say things before you Google them. And always listen to your mother.

Oh hot jam.

There's nothing quite like a sweet, sweet melody to set the mood. Whether you're getting over a really bad breakup with Napoleon (the dessert, not the man) or feelin' a little more positive and upbeat and swaggy, some good bebop is all you really need to get jiggy with your inner emoticon.

Here's a couple of my faves (in no particular order):

1. Always Be My Baby- Mariah Carey

Doodoodoo dow...doodoodoodoo dow...the beginning is so good, you would think that the rest of the song would be mediocre in comparison. But it only gets better. MC's smooth vocals make me be like

and grab for a couple of tissues along with some Olay makeup remover for the streaks from that so-called "waterproof mascara." Definitely not Mariah-proof, that's for sure.

2. Forget you- Cee Lo Green

It's one of those songs that is really easy to memorize, and hence very fun to sing/dance along to obnoxiously in the car like

what whaaaaaat. It also lets me live out my fantasy of being the lead vocalist in a band. If I play it loud enough, it masks my voice and I can fool myself into thinking I'm a good singer for a blissful 3 minutes and 44 seconds.

3. The Seed- The Roots

Break it down Bow. Even Mr. Wow can't resist the soulful rock 'n roll that is The Seed.

4. Anything by Maroon 5 or John Mayer

They might not be the most kind or intelligent human beings, but what they do have is indisputable rhythm. If you haven't been like

on a Sunday morning while listening to "Sunday Morning" before grabbing a nonfat chai latte from Starbucks and heading off to Sunday School, you haven't lived.

5. Candy Shop- Fiddy Cent

Gets me every time. I keep telling myself whenever it comes on the radio, "you're not going to dance shereen. don't do it. the lyrics are degrading and immoral."

But the more I fight it, the faster I start swaying and then the snapping starts and it's all downhill from there. All I wanna do is grab a pack of apple Now and Later's and then dance with somebody.

Oh man. Now that I'm listing them out, I realize that I'm in way over my head. There are just too many good songs and so many genres I'm missing here. Por ejemplo, I'm currently jamming to Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons and it's making me want to sit on the railroad tracks of Oakland to watch them play.

So for now, let it suffice to say that those few make just the tip of a massive, unyielding iceberg, untouched by the grip of global warming.

And remember, make music not war. or love. before marriage.

Also, lean back and smell the roses once in a while.

What do you do when you find a cardboard cutout of your sister's face lying around?

oh hi there cardboard cutout sarah. see anything you like in that J.Jill catalog?

does all that browsing makes you cruisin for a snoozin?

try not to eat that delicious cake all at once!

Ah, the simple joys in life.