Things I say because my mother is white

They said you always become your mother. I said, "I'm going to prove them wrong."

Guess what. I didn't prove them wrong.

Instead, I got stuck saying these phrases that I thought were normal everyday lingo...until I realized they weren't- particularly amongst the majority non white folk that generally surround me. And boy did I feel sheepish.

I present to you white (peach colored) sayings bestowed upon me by my mama:

1. "What's that have to do with the tea in China?"

As much as I would really love this to be a saying, I don't think it is. But since the day I was born, my mother has insisted on using it- and I find it creeping into my everyday conversations all the time. Hey, maybe it'll catch on? Most likely when China replaces the USA as supreme leader of the world.

2. "Gosh darn it. You're such a ham."

This phrase is kind of charged with mixed feelings, since it goes with my first experience with peer pressure.

It was 2nd grade, after an intense game of tether ball. I casually told my friend that my mom thought I was a ham. Definitely thought I was the weirdest person ever. She was muslim, so she also probably thought I was the haram-est person ever.

Needless to say, I can't use it anymore without the slightest twinge of guilt and shame.

3. "He's as gay as a doorknob."

Momz just used that one today, so it's super fresh in my mind. I wasn't previously aware that doorknobs had sexual orientations. Rainbows, maybe. But door apparati? Hmm. Maybe if you put it like that. But still, the less it makes sense, the more likely I'll start saying it. Just because I can. And because my mother is white.

4. "Hey there, Mrs. McGillicuddy!"

At first, I thought this was just some made up name that my mom thought was cute, like "sweet pea" or "bongomuffin." I also thought she was saying "Magilocutty" for the longest time. Turns out, it's an actual thing from I Love Lucy. I just googled it right now. Lucy's middle name was McGillicuddy. So I guess it's pretty legit.

5. "Don't dress like a shlump."

When I was younger, whenever I was too lazy to iron something and wore it anyways, my mom pulled the shlump card. The word apparently goes back to my Yiddish roots, meaning "untidy" or "sloppy." That got old real fast. So now a large majority of my clothes are polyester-- problem solved. AND I get to pull the shlump card whenever it suits me just right. (get it? suits me. hehe.)

So listen up. Moral of the story: don't say things before you Google them. And always listen to your mother.