You know your life is complete

when your blog posts are read as bed time stories to children in Palestine.

If you're reading this, Karimah's cousins, you're awesome!

ooh yea. super awesome.

"Assalamu Alaykum Shereen, we're leaving!"

my father says, as he and my mother step out the door of our humble abode.

"We're going to get some craps for dinner."

Whack state of mind

I'm just going to go ahead and put this out there:

I have crazy on the brain.

It seems like either mothers are dropping their children on their heads at an exponentially higher rate every year, or global warming isn't just affecting the polar bears anymore.

I mean it's affecting humans. If you didn't catch my drift.

Here's what I mean: The ratio of normal to abnormal humans appears to be becoming alarmingly close. Like, being "normal" is no longer "the norm." Yadadada?

But the real loopy ones are the ones you have to beware of-- they have a few too many bats in the belfry, if you know what I mean.

And in this whack state of mind, I feel behooved to make a list of the top 5. It goes like this:

1. Muammar Gaddafi

This man is 100%, internationally, certifiably, insane in the membrane. So insane that Barbara Walters once asked him in an interview "are you insane?" What kind of person massacres his own people? You can't get much crazier than him, even if you tried... and even if you found out who is dealer is.

2. Mike Tyson

Mike Tyson once said, "I am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. There is no one who can match me. I want your heart. I want to eat your children."

He also has a strange obsession with pigeons. I guess a few too many hits to the head can do that to you.

3. My old next door neighbor [not pictured]

We'll just call him Johnny, lest he finds out I've been blogging about him. Anyways, the important thing to know about Johnny is that he was the unibomber of Fremont. Back in the good old days when I lived in Newark, this guy tried to blow up some city hall member's house. He also tried to get us to stash his "goods." Not the most mentally stable patient in the insane asylum, so to speak. And he could be living in the house next to you right now...

jk don't worry I think he's in jail. Pretty sure.

4. Lady Gaga

I mean, I guess she's harmless. But then again, she has this whole, like, cultish following who imitates her and calls her "Mama Monster." So maybe not so harmless? Also, there are children starving in Africa who could have made a full meal of that meat suit. Sooooo she's going down on my list as a crazy person who also needlessly wastes food.

5. Ayaan Hirsi Ali

Ughh I hate this woman so much. She jumped on the Haters of Islam wagon to make some money/fame but then promptly fell off after people found out that she was lying about everything. Someone should have told her that too much haterade doesn't keep you hydrated, it gets you shamed and on this list of deranged dudes.

So those are just the 5 people that came to the top of my head. But believe you me, there are plenty more out there. Some might mark themselves by clipping tails to their pants, and some might disguise themselves as "normies" but are secretly closet crazies. The best way to know if someone is a closet crazy is to do something really weird and see how they react. They will most likely pretend that they're really weirded out so they don't blow their cover. The bigger the reaction, the weirder/crazier they secretly are.

Try it. But I am not liable for any complications that may result from this social experiment. Gadaffi is.

Down with Gadaffi!

Hella disappointing.

When you....

-Put on a sock, and it has a hole in it. Not only do you have to go through the trouble of taking it off and finding a new pair, you have to throw away the holey sock and make sure the new pair doesn't have holes. So much effort for warm feet.

-Pour milk in your coffee, and realize that it's been expired for a week and smells like old cheese (not the good kind). It's a small amount of milk, and you could drink it, but is that a risk you're willing to take?

-Come to the realization that you could never be a hand model. You wouldn't think it would be that disappointing, but believe me, it's like a slap in the face. A slap in the face by a delicate, smooth, perfectly cuticled hand.

Or when you...

-Pluck one too many hairs on your eyebrow and end up looking super surprised. Or go to the salon and come out looking like The Situation and everyone is wondering why you look so "different". Or better yet, come out looking like Whoopi. You know how long it takes to grow those babies back???

-Thought you were due for an iPhone upgrade, so you sold your old phone and

went to go buy the new one. But then it turned out you weren't due for another 3 months, so you ended up having to pay almost full price because, too bad, you sold your phone already so you had no choice. (but maybe that's just me)

-Showed up late to something. Just in general. Especially if you timed it perfectly, but it there was an accident on the way or it just didn't work out.

SO DISAPPOINTING.

Life is full of disappointment, but on the plus side the 3D Justin Bieber movie came out this past weekend. Will you go see it? Don't worry, I won't tell if you won't ;)

Lates.

p.s. Just kidding. I will definitely tell.

FREEDOM

Never tasted so good. Literally, the hot dawg I had yestiddy at the Egyptian freedom pickynic was 2-die-4.

Let me just say, that I never thought in a million years I would see the day. But you proved me wrong Egypt, you proved me wrong. And I've never been happier for 80 million people to stand up and say I Told You So.

To Masr! I can't wait to see what happens next. And thanks to 24 hour coverage via the Al Jazeera iPhone app, I will never be without my play-by-play. I love you Al Jazeera English, and all of your lovely reporters. (that was for you, Asmaa ;)

Not to toot my own horn or anything like that, but I have to somewhat take credit for the toppling of Mubarak and his regime. I mean, take a look at this sign I made for a protest last week in Frisco:

I'm sure the guy took one look at it and was like woa buddy, things are getting serious up in hurr ima bounce. Also, peep the shirts my homiez made. they're super legit.

The one on the right says "Kefaya," which means "enough" in arabic. The one on the left is a fist, which can be a symbol of a variety of different things, from victory to Jersey Shore. Awesome.

Beace in the Middle East and hugs and kisses and lemon drops!

p.s. Check here to see if Mubarak still president: http://ismubarakstillpresident.com/

Fortun(cookie)ately

The other day, after enjoying a delicious spread of pseudo Chinese food at PF Changs, I cracked open my fortune cookie to find this:

While not a fortune per se, I think this strip of paper with a random bee on it may have a point. I haven't exactly been adventurous with my hat choices as of late. As in, the last time I wore a hat was in 2009. It could be that there is an entire world waiting for me in the realm of hat wearing that I have never known...

Since then, I have been thinking about nothing but hats and trying to decide which type I should try first. I have narrowed it down to 3 tantalizing options. They are, *drum roll*

1. THE OVERSIZED BEANIE

I figure, if Johnny D can rock it, so can I. These kinds of hats look good on our type of bone structure.

2. THE RUSSIAN

So chic, and practical too! Perfect for the cold days we've been experiencing intermittently between days of sweltering heat. The sophisticated emblem is an added bonus.

3. THE FAN CAP

Ideally, I will be wearing this for my first Sharks game coming up. Also, I hear that if you keep the sticker on it adds extra swag so that's pretty cool.

If you have any other ideas, holla atcha gurl.

Payce.

The Cat in the Hat knows wassup.